Hi friends,
I’ll tell ya, thank (god) I started meditating again because it’s given me a baseline OKAYNESS and separation from all the busy-ness of my life rn, which involves no time for even the occasional gchat while I’m at work and running from work to home and dinner to rehearsal to bed.
I can’t say enough about this morning routine. You are not your to-do list, says the voice. Often as I’m observing-not-judging my thoughts during meditation I find myself literally picturing my day on Google Calendar, the primary-colored stacks of meetings. Not to judge, but how fucking stupid, huh? I’m A LIVING BEING IN A WORLD THAT’S MOSTLY WATER and I'm stuck thinking about Google Calendar at 5:30am!!! I’m not even close to one of the sickest of us as far as workaholism goes, and yet.
I’m… writing fiction, is the thing I’ve been doing as the sun is rising this week. I haven’t done this in years, after I absolutely burned out on it. So I set a timer for 15 minutes and write the words “A BAD STORY” at the top of a pink notebook paper and then just go. At some point usually with 6 minutes to go, I find myself pausing and zoning out, thinking, where is this going, isn’t this the same story I always write, is this embarrassing, maybe this line right here is a fine ending and I can just stop??
and then I remind myself of yet another mantra I didn’t come up with myself
// I mean yeah the thought on the left comes from me but the one on the right is bigger than me //
and that the resistance is also just a physical symptom like a sneeze and I sit through the sneeze and just keep going because honestly who fucking cares??? It’s a victimless crime, as my grad school mentor Bill Lychack* always said. Write a story, let it be bad, you don’t have to show it to anyone, the 15 minutes are gonna pass no matter what so you can spend it doing anything you want, might as well spend it making a thing that didn’t exist before. For me, creation always inspires this little candle-flicker of awe. I like it. I want it. I wanntttttt it. Good morning.
*who has a new book available for pre-order now <3 <3
Alia Shawkat did the same 5-minute scene for 24 hours with volunteer mostly-non-professional actors and and and and:
I haven’t slept, O.K., I’m going to get poetic [laughs]. Here we go! What lives inside all of us, but definitely inside of me, is genderless, shameless, doesn’t feel guilty about her body, about her sex, doesn’t feel incompetent, doesn’t feel like she has to perform — just gets to play, just gets to have fun.
This is her just after finishing it. This image! (by Caroline Tompkins for the NYT)
I just want to make sure you know about the WYNC podcast Dolly Parton’s America. Jad Abumrad made it. It’s 9 parts. You probably do. I’m just making sure.
I love you,
Lindsey