I'm in a commercial with a bunch of kittens
also, wanna hear me sing "Royals" by Lorde but about the Simpsons in 2014??
Hi friends,
I’m sitting in the dimly-lit living room awaiting a mushroom quesadilla delivery while watching old episodes of Shark Tank, my equivalent of a cat licking itself to self-soothe. I stayed up too late last night and then had to talk a lot in a meeting this morning, in front of a new client, something I always think is Hard even though it’s actually Normal and always, forever (Fran) Fine.
Please spread the word that I own a blazer now
It’s been a big week for my press team, also known as MY LEFT AND RIGHT HANDS, because a commercial I filmed a few weeks ago finally aired on the Big Ten network (and it’ll air on CBS this weekend!!!) and therefore also went live on the social network as well:
I’m always a pain in the ass for costume designers on a budget. They breezily ask me to “pull from (my) closet,” mistakenly assuming I have the wardrobe of a 36-year-old woman, and not, sayyyyyyy, a 68-year-old eccentric who lives with and shares a wardrobe with a sexually liberated teen. They love to say things like “just bring a few professional looks for us to choose from” (a FEW!), at which point I reveal that my only closed-toed shoes are Vans and that, apologies, but I do not own a blazer. They sourced a J. Crew blazer from one of the other actors, and when I shrugged that baby on in front of the mirror in the public restroom that balmy August afternoon… what can I say? Later that evening, I bought a used version of it on eBay for $5. NOW AVAILABLE FOR EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL GIGS.
Just an update on this Shark Tank (one I somehow missed from season 8, btw. Sure finding money in your coat pockets is fun but have you ever realized you didn’t watch 2 episodes of Shark Tank from 2017??)—so far both an immigrant and an eight-year-old have flung themselves on the dystopian financial altar and the Sharks are soooo high on their patriotism right now!!!!
But wait, I stayed up past midnight for a reason
…And that “reason” was uploading, organizing, adding artwork to, and copy and pasting truly absurd text descriptions for 42 episodes of You Big Dumb Idiot, the podcast that Andrew and I made from 2013 through 2015 and honestly one of my greatest achievements and work I will stand by FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! We made an extremely good funny and also the dumbest educational podcast and now all of the (available) episodes are in one place!
The impetus for this was ughhhhhhhhhhFacebook“Memories”ughhhhhhhhh reminding me that six years ago on that very day, I’d posted the iTunes link for YBDI on Facebook and warned people that it included swears. I texted the screenshot to Andrew and as we conversed about how great our podcast was and how much we love each other (Andrew said he loves me I HAVE PROOF!!!!!!), I remembered—oh yea—that we, uh, recorded our first episode in three years LIVE at his birthday party last November and that I, uh, hadn’t done anything with it.
So!
You Big Dumb Idiot was an irreverent informational podcast hosted by Andrew and me. Each episode featured a guest who appeared as an “expert” on their topic of choice. We recorded it upstairs in Larry’s old studio, essentially a repurposed guest room in our old house. We had sponsorships from a local pizza place and a local winery, which meant that we got free pizza and wine in exchange for sing-songing the names of the businesses to cap off the previous 30 minutes of basic debauch. We wrote an original totally stupid topical game for each guest. I painstakingly edited every episode in GarageBand and the first few minutes were always us shooting the shit and singing whatever pop song we’d most recently heard on the radio, giving YBDI an impenetrable home in the zeitgeist.
Here is every available episode of it, in order.
Here’s the new episode, recorded in front of a live audience at a bar on Andrew’s 31st birthday where we sound incredibly on and comfortable and just totally our best selves, and I spend the whole time trying to tell Andrew I love him:
. . .
Here’s my favorite episode still to this dayyyy, Scary Movies with Travis Wayne Hurt:
. . .
And VERY GOOD RUNNERS-UP such as Stand-Up Comedy with Esteban Gast:
. . .
And Survivor (with which I share airtime on CBS!!!) with Lauren VanOsten:
IDK guys, if you’re not sold now you probably won’t be by me listing them all so I’ll stop, but if you listen to podcasts at all you might like it, THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING. Also if you want to learn about opera or microorganisms or The Simpsons or farming or improv or pregnancy or football or wine or hip-hop or sex or crafting, among many other things. Also yes if we titled the podcast today we would probably choose a different name.
I ate my mushroom quesadilla while writing to you. I’m gonna finish this Shork Tonk and start dreaming of bed now. Wow it’s almost Friday zzzzz !!!
I love you,
Lindsey